To: Armitage Shanks

Subject: Mind The Gap

Wot up, as they say.

I feel obliged to share the uncomfortable subject of public pooping with you this e-mail. I know the Germans would appreciate "ze English wis zer toilet humour," but this goes way beyond jokes and into the realms of disturbing for my delicate mind.

First up, I must state that American lavvies are, for the most part, very clean, nice smelling and well maintained places. In fact, the antithesis of their English counterparts. The average English dunny is a disgusting bacteria infected stinkfest, which looks more like a murder scene from Seven than a relaxing place to relieve yourself. You might find some bog roll, you are unlikely to find any soap that does not have a curly hair on it. Yes, totally gross.

However, I would take a filthy English crapper any day of the week over the yankee WCs. You see, they make the stalls with one-inch gaps down either sides of the doors. That's right, no privacy! Taking a number two in the states is a spectator sport, where anyone and everyone is invited to watch your strains and exertions. I'm sure that some toilets in the urban megacities even have seating around the stalls where people can spend whole afternoons musing, discussing and scoring those unfortunate enough to feel the urge to go.

After my first attempt to publicly "drop the kids off at the pool," I realised that they didn't call it a restroom because it was a calm, private place for the pooper, but rather, a spiritual experience for random perverts wanting to see me take a dump. Of course, having a pair of wide eyes staring at you through a one-inch gap while you are doing your business makes it very hard to actually do your business. The throne room is a sacred place, a private place, whether that is in public or at home. It is my quiet time, where I serenely contemplate the nature of existence. As a result, I am now forced to carry a shower curtain and rod with me, wherever I go, to afford myself some privacy.

I wonder what the Queen thinks when she visits? Bloody savages. All this talk has made me need a clearance, so I will see you in a while. Tara!