Our trip of harrowing torment begins at The Holiday Bar (801 5th St. NW). It's one of the oldest businesses in Grand Rapids. Great grandfather opened the Ideal Tavern 105 years ago on Stocking Avenue. The bar had to move when the Arsulowicz Brothers built their mortuary there. It has been on 5th Street for only 60 years. The next generation of the extended Arsulowicz family has taken over and brought the bar up to date. They added hi-top tables, two new pool tables, nine HD TVs and a coat of paint. But they still have the classic 40-foot horseshoe bar. The Open Mic is hoppin' on Tuesdays and there's Gong Show Karaoke on Wednesdays with $4 Jager Bombs. Just make sure you try the Holiday Shot — Bailey's and Rumple Minze. It's a holiday everyday at the Holiday Bar.

Beer is the star at the Mercury Bar (759 Fourth St.). The cozy spot is open at night, has a walk-up service window and a deck. Mercury has a dozen Michigan beers on tap like Founders' Backwoods Bastard and Short's Soft Parade. There's also a blackboard full of naughty shots that put the cock in tail. They have the Lindsay Lohan (Redheaded Slut with a Shot of Coke), Mercury Wings (Rumple Minze, Sambuca and shot of espresso) and the Furry Murkin (Fra Angelico, Grand Marnier and splash of soda). Writing this makes my liver ache. The Mercury shares staff and a menu with Monarchs Club (646 Stocking Ave.). Monarchs has lots of Old World ambiance and $10 bottles of wine. Hungry? Let Tracy set you up with a steamy Italian Beef Combo. Poppa Steve had one with a snifter of Bell's 10000 Batch Ale. He felt like a king.

I had a hankering for a dive bar so I hightailed it to the Triangle Bar (1200 Walker Ave.). What this cinderblock box lacks in charm it makes up by facilitating alcohol into your bloodstream with alacrity. "The clientele is like a family," said Stephanie the bartender. And it's a charming crew. The Unabomber sat down next to this reporter and flashed his tooth at me. They have Busch on tap and when I asked about signature cocktails, Stephanie just shook her mahogany locks winsomely. There are four TVs and a pool table, which is better than you have at your trailer, loser.

I stopped in front of the Dirty Bird and set the Monte Carlo on fire. Dirty Bird is what they call the Flamingo Lounge (930 Bridge St. NW). This charming little spot is just what you'd expect. Dark. Musty. Stone cold stares. You might hear, "Jager will knock your dick in the sand." Good thing the beer is cold and cheap. The bartender, Sue, has Farah Fawcett hair and cleavage down to her navel that would make Ice-T blush. She'll pour you a tall Bud and slide a bowl of homemade chili in front of your pie hole. Don't miss karaoke on Friday nights, either.

I walked out and punched a marketing executive in the face and took his Harley. The geriatric scooter was low and smooth like a Depends. I wanted to balance all of that alcohol with some protein from Lewandoski's Market (1107 Walker Ave. NW). The market was established in 1948 and Victor Hill bought it from the family 26 years ago. He only buys USDA Choice Beef from Fillmore Beef Co. in Holland. He gets whole sides of beef and can do special cuts. But Lewandowski's is known for its kielbasa, which is made with coarsely ground choice cuts of pork and just enough fat for flavor, spices, and fresh garlic. They can make 3,000 pounds in a day and they sell 15,000 pounds for Easter. Christmas is only 10,000 pounds. The ladies behind the counter plied Poppa Steve with slices of German Wieners and spicy Hot Sticks. It was love at first bite.

I wanted to see where all that yummy meat comes from so I rode over to the John Ball Zoo (1300 W. Fulton St.). The zoo is an easy half-day excursion for families with its manageable size and affordable ticket prices. Kids can feed birds, pet wallabies, fly through the air on a 400-foot zip line, or challenge themselves on the high ropes obstacle course. They can ride a camel, paddle a swan boat and even touch a stingray or shark. The Zoo is also home to more exotic animals, like a troop of seven chimpanzees, three lions and a flock of penguins. A brand new bobcat is taking up residence and the Children's Zoo was completely renovated. And don't miss the biggest beast of them all, Nessie floating in the park's "pond." The zoo re-opens for the season on March 1.

Feeling peckish, I stopped at El Granjero Mexican Grill (950 Bridge St.). It has the best Mexican food in town. Not Dutch wet burrito Mexican. It's Mexico City, Mexico Mexican food. You may know it as El Ganadero, or even Grand Opening after the sign on display for years. New owners Mercedes and Paola Lopez bought it in 2007 and updated the interior and expanded the menu. The mother-daughter team is proud of their authentic recipes and ingredients, such as Mexican sausage, beef tongue and tripe as well as chicken and ground beef. I began my meal with a Tlacoyo, a moist cornmeal base covered in refried beans and fresh cactus salsa. Green and summery. Then I ordered the Chicken Enchilada smothered in fragrant green salsa. I'll be back for lunch and dinner.

Time to recharge with a latte. Ferris Coffee & Nut Company (227 Winter Ave.) has been delighting Westsiders for 80 years. While Ferris serves restaurants and corporate accounts, they also have a cute retail store that sells classic items at good prices. Emily VanStee and Christina Mrozik helped me shop for freshly roasted coffee and nuts as well as luscious chocolates. Unlike their pretentious brethren downtown, these freckle-faced baristas don't make you wait while your coffee steeps through a civet bladder. Grab a cup of Java to go along with popular treats like the Cherry Berry Mix, Colossal Cashews, or Dark Chocolate Grizzlies. Foodies will like that Ferris can fill special requests. You can get green coffee cherries to roast at home in a popcorn popper. They sell raw almonds as well as bulk chocolate so you can make your own candy. Sweet.

I stepped out of the shop and was struck by the Pierced Veil. James H. Devries, a retired businessman and "artist," made this monumental metal sculpture. Located on Winter Avenue across from Ferris Coffee, where it sits under the watchful eye of Ms. Mrozik, the two-story sculpture tells how God's love is thrust mercilessly into the souls of believers. You will see the two legs of the piece pointed to the sky, spread willingly by a massive, rigid phallus-like tube. From the cylinder's O-shaped orifice, the juice of God's love pours on the ground. Viewing the sculpture while holding a handful of this reporter's warm, salty nuts is a magical experience. It also makes one have to go pee.

Work off that latte at the David D. Hunting YMCA Human Performance Lab (475 Lake Michigan Dr). Previously restricted to elite athletes, the Lab uses pro-style sports science techniques to determine metabolic profiles, nutritional needs and individualized workout plans. Sound hard? Specially trained YMCA personnel make it simple. The Lab establishes baseline, peak and optimal readings. As you progress, reassessments are used to tweak your routines for maximal success. Bring a training buddy and the Lab is around $30 a session. Whether you're a busy mom with a belly bulge or a hardcore athlete training for YMCA's Indoor Triathlon, the Human Performance Lab will help you finally reach those fitness goals.

Riding the abandoned streets, like a lone wolf, I started to feel lost. So I went to the Community Media Center (711 Bridge St.). "The CMC collects technology, tools, expertise and community venues and deploys them to strengthen public conversations," said Executive Director Laurie Cirivello. It holds awesome classes throughout the year that can teach you how to record, edit and broadcast your own program. Learn how to use FinalCut Pro, the Mobile Production Studio and the Sony VX-2000 video camera. With the proper training, you can produce shows for Cable Channel 25, WYCE public radio, or even stage productions at Wealthy Theatre.

Knowing that I needed to write this column on my MacBook, I ended up at CompuCraft (620 Stocking Ave. NW). Owner Bill Smith has been serving the Apple community for almost 25 years. How do they compete with the Justin Biebers in the Apple Stores with their skinny t-shirts and doe-like eyes? Provide high-touch service and the same computers you'd find online at the same price along with other specialized equipment. While they like walk-ins, CompuCraft focuses on serving professionals who make cash money with their shiny Macs. In fact, customers and their dollars come from Cadillac to Kalamazoo to the former woodworking shop. Even City Hall knows to buy their Macs from CompuCraft.

I woke up the next day with Miss Polish Festival 1997 at my side and a tramp stamp on my back. So what did I learn? Westsiders will put Rumple Minze on anything? Yes. The liver is an endangered species on the Westside? Of course.

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Photos: Holiday Bar shot by David Carson. All others shot by Steven de Polo.